2.03.25: Diagnosed with OCD

This year, I was diagnosed with OCD.

Which honestly makes a lot of sense.

When I was a kid, prayer was painful. I would pray for everyone, everyone, that I knew. I prayed for people who I didn’t know. I would pray for my dad to stop smoking cigarettes and for world peace. These days, I don’t pray. But I have trouble falling asleep, feeling like there’s just one more thing I need to do.

I don’t step on sidewalk cracks. If I step over the crack with my left foot, the next one must be passed over by my right foot. Agony.

I constantly believe I’m secretly evil. When I was a kid, I thought there were two brains in my head: the “good” and the “bad”. I trick myself into believing I like to cause havoc for sport. I destroy friendships on purpose. I like to hurt people, and I like being selfish.

But this isn’t me! This is my brain playing tricks on me!

I am kind. I care about people. I want to be nice. I want to have friends. I want a prosperous relationship.

But living with OCD, I have a hard time believing all that.

The thing about OCD is that it’s not just washing your hands 14 times a day (which I do). It’s not just about checking the oven over and over and over to make sure you turned it off. OCD attacks the safest parts of your brain, hindering any trust you’ve built up with yourself.

OCD is an anxiety disorder. This means even though I cannot control something, I worry about the outcome. I worry that I don’t make my intentions clear. I worry I am misunderstood. I worry that I’m a bad person. I worry about germs and safety, but mostly, OCD makes me worry I am not who I say I am.

I fear I am deserving of misfortune and neglect. I deserve everything bad that’s ever happened to me. I know deep down that this isn’t true, but I still believe it. Because if there’s no reason or purpose for my suffering, why else would I keep suffering if not for it being my karmic fate as a certified Bad PersonTM.

I get stuck in thought loops. I cycle over the same terms again and again in my head.

“Perception is reality” is one that gets me a lot. If I am perceived as a Bad PersonTM, that makes me one. But that isn’t the case. I get to decide who I am. I am not a sum of my experiences and mistakes, I am me. Others do not determine who I am and my intentions.

While dealing with OCD has been a challenge my whole life, through therapy, self-reflection, and a bit of reassurance from the ones I love, I have found that OCD does not define me. My mistakes do not define me. It’s difficult to constantly remind yourself of who you truly are, but the more I do it, the more my confidence grows.