7.10.24: Forgiveness
I talk about forgiveness a lot; on my YouTube channel, in my podcast, and in my real, non-digital life. I’ve explored the topic over and over, and yet I struggle to find an objective perspective.
That’s the thing, though; I don’t think there is one.
I’ve always considered myself very easygoing. It takes a lot to grind my gears. I have to be pushed to a point before I speak my mind about something, especially something that bothers me. I don’t like to be mad; I don’t like to have beef, and I hate drama.
I learned last year that I am pretty good at forgiving others. I don’t like holding grudges. I’m a firm believer that people can change. I value my friendships and understand that people make mistakes.
So why is it that when I have made mistakes, I’ve held a grudge against myself? In the past, I’ve let my mistakes define me. I’d go as far as to say that I have hated myself at points for the mistakes I’ve made. It didn’t matter how many apology tours I went on, how much therapy I went to, or how much time had passed; I could not bring myself to believe I was a good person worthy of forgiveness.
I turn these concepts over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of it all. It doesn’t feel fair; that I am so willing to allow others to hurt me and forgive them, yet I cannot seem to forgive myself.
“It isn’t fair, but that’s not how fair works.”
I had a hard year the year I turned 23. I went through family trauma, relationship issues, and problems with work and school. I was truly struggling. During this time, my mind sent me into survival mode. I don’t remember much from my 23rd year. I lost a lot of friendships and trauma bonded with people in my relationships. I don’t mean to dump on you, dear reader. I have learned my lesson with that one. However, all of this is to say I made many mistakes during this time. I had a hard time prioritizing the feelings of others while I was trying to process my own. I acknowledge this and take full accountability, but it seemed like those I hurt would never know.
Since then, I have done a lot of healing. I have worked on being a better person and treating people with kindness. I’ve said my apologies and worked with my therapist extensively on the self-doubt I’ve felt. I have truly grown since last summer, but it was not without its pain points. I sat with the thoughts that maybe I deserved the bad things that had happened to me. My brain played tricks on me:
“You are narcissistic.”
“You are not kind.”
“You take advantage of people.”
“You are selfish.”
“Brain, please,” I would beg, “Can’t you see I’m trying?”
But my brain didn’t care. I deserved to lose friends. I deserved to have people lash out at me. I did not deserve forgiveness, let alone respect. I allowed people to treat me poorly because I believed it was my karma.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
I had made mistakes, so I deserved to be the collateral damage of others’ mistakes. I deserved to hurt. And if the ones I had hurt didn’t forgive me, I shouldn’t forgive myself either.
But, silly little brain, that is not true. The sayings are cheesy; we’ve heard them a million times, but one in particular helped change my whole perspective.
“You cannot let your mistakes define you.”
For almost a year, I let my mistakes define who I was. I hurt someone, so I must be someone who hurts people. I had a selfish moment, so I must be selfish.
But I’m not. We all have moments where we act in a way we regret or say something we don’t mean. We all make mistakes. We are all human. A moment out of character does not mean your values or who you are as a person has changed.
Forgiveness is tricky. Forgiving others for hurting us is so difficult, but in my experience, forgiveness of others has brought me peace. Treating people with empathy and understanding is key to connection and trust.
What has proven to be even more difficult for me is forgiving myself. With a lot of work and self-reflection, I can finally confidently say that I am not a bad person. I move with good intentions and do my best to be kind. Through my experience, I have learned that you have to forgive yourself because you have a life to live, and you’re the only person who lives in your brain 24/7. You have to make it a safe place to be.
You do not have to let your mistakes define you. You do not have to hate yourself for messing up. Take accountability, learn, grow, and forgive. You deserve to forgive yourself.