7.16.24: Shouting into the Void

If you’re reading this blog, chances are you follow me on some social media platform. Chances are, you’ve seen me promote this blog, my podcast, or YouTube channel. And if you’ve seen those, chances are you’ve heard me yap. And boy, oh boy, do I love to yap. You may be thinking, “Yeah, Jayda and you yap too much,” and I would have to disagree.

I used to be told (by my family, most of all) that I talk too much. I’ve always been this way. When I’m comfortable, I want to hop up on my soapbox and yap away. I don’t do it because I like the sound of my own voice. I don’t think I’m usually saying something uber-controversial or profound. You may be confused, but I know why I talk so much. I know why I shout into what seems like a void. And I know the void is just that.

The internet is a deep place. There are millions of users on every platform, billions of pieces of content, and countless topics constantly being discussed. I am one of the many people who use the internet as a place to be heard. It seems futile, since the internet is so vast, to reach out into it and grasp at understanding. But I do it anyway. I don’t even have any internet friends. Most of my followers are people who know me in person. So why do I bare it all to the internet? Why am I so vulnerable and open to the millions of potential viewers who don’t even know my name?

I saw this post on Instagram the other day:

I resonated so heavily with it, because I do want to pummel my fists against the door of a stranger’s heart. I want to bang my head against the wall as I scream:

“CAN YOU HEAR ME?!”

I’m begging, “SOMEBODY UNDERSTAND!!”

I have a therapist. I have friends and family who will listen to me yap all day long with understanding and gentleness. These are my silver fish. They’ve been listening this whole time. They see me.

Yet I continue to shout into the void. I spill my secrets and express my deep feelings online in hopes that some stranger may hear me. I think some of it has to do with my obsession with internet culture and parasocial relationships. I consume a lot of content online that I relate to and resonate with, and I want to be that for other people. Now, I don’t mean I want to be involved in a parasocial relationship with my viewers, but I want to feel a sense of connection. There has to be a way to be understood without being fully known.

"Maybe if they understood me, they'd love me."

Oh, red fish, how I deeply ache with your pain. Maybe if someone listened to me, heard me, they would understand me. Maybe if I am understood, I am known. And to be loved is to be known. How I ache to be known and loved as deeply as I know myself.

I shout into the void, hoping my sound waves will crash against someone living a similar experience. Maybe my voice is what will make someone feel less alone. Maybe there is strength in my vulnerability. I am desperate to be known, but also to make others feel known.

So I shout into the void. I express myself and talk about the things that make me who I am. I yap. And I don't regret it because maybe you're listening, and maybe you hear me. Thank you for listening.

7.16.24: Shouting into the Void

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